Monday, August 24, 2009

i never update anymore.

life has been good, crazy, and awesome.

i start back to college(!) next week. it's exciting and intimidating. i feel focused and motivated.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

the next two weeks are going to be the longest two weeks of my life.

Monday, June 1, 2009

photography.

so, i've been taking a lot of pictures lately... at least taking pictures a lot more than usual. i've had 4 photoshoots in the past week. two were for my friend's costume shop, the other two i was actually hired/paid for. today's photos shoot was amazing and after seeing the final product, i can honestly say i've never been more happy with the images. a few of my favorites...







costume photos to come either tomorrow or some other time this week.... and maybe a proper update. i really don't know what i'm doing with this blog.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

staying busy.

i haven't felt much like writing anything lately. most of my day-to-day life is just shared with ken in daily emails, keeping him posted on almost every detail of life here while he's on the road.

life has been fairly busy/hectic/dramatic. i've been taking a lot more pictures and i'm happy about that.

i don't really feel like writing...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

to do list for the rest of the week:

** post stuff on ebay
** set up photo shoots
** paint middle room/hallway
** get out of town, maybe
** not lose my mind

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every parent wants to believe that their child will not do the things you hear about in the news or read about in the papers. you think you know your child, and then shit happens and you wonder if you were just turning a blind eye or that you're child really ISN'T the kind of person that can make smart decisions. peer pressure and the need for acceptance is a bitch.

this isn't going to get any easier.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

i was having a decent week until today.

fear is probably the best word used to describe my current emotion but there's a lot more than that going on.

parenting is not getting any easier.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

i don't know what i would do without image editing software. i almost feel like i'm cheating with my photography by using all the editing tools. it's a feeling i probably shouldn't have. when working in the darkroom, it's not like you just expose the paper and you have an amazing print... there are tricks to printing as well, so i guess it's kind of the same with digital photos.

either way... here's some photos i took of my family this weekend. i may use these for promotional stuff. i need to get on my feet and support myself with my photography while i'm in school.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

to do:

work on a personal photography project to present to the uni and apply for scholarships. project must scream how awesome i am.

also:
gain confidence in myself.

yikes.
when drinking coffee, i love the first moment you realize it's kicking in.

i did not want to wake up this morning.

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busy day:
go by the school, get registered for classes
come back home and get ready for work
work 'til 4
hang prints in the lobby at the theater
ken.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

i'm never going to get all the paperwork done for school. this is annoying.

Monday, April 20, 2009

trying to get registered for classes is becoming a headache. i feel like i've gotten in over my head. how the heck am i going to be able to go to school full time, work full time, and raise a teenager full time? i mean, it can't be THAT stressful... right? (yikes) fortunately, my adviser is going to help me maybe get a grant and i'm also going to look into student loans and other aids that i can get so that maybe i won't really *have* to work while going to school. i don't want to burn myself out. i go back wednesday morning to try to sign up for class. summer classes won't be a big deal. i can work my schedule out around it, but fall classes are going to be a headache to figure out.

maybe i should just push myself out in the "real world" a little more and start marketing myself and doing more photo shoots and let that be my source of income along with school monies. as it stands right now, i have weekends off... all the time... i should be setting up photoshoots for the entire weekend rather than pissing it away. (unless i'm running away and doing something fun like camping by waterfalls) i really just need to become a self motivator and stop being such a lame ass.
"Make love when you can. It's good for you."
-Kurt Vonnegut Mother Night

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

not enough hours in a day

i have today off. it's currently 11am and i just finished my to do list for the day. it's a bit overwhelming. most of the stuff on the list will only take a moment to do, but the biggest thing is going to be getting registered for school (which may have to wait until tomorrow or thursday when i have more time)

the weather is still gross out. it's at least not raining, but i wish i could get these errands done on my bike. i'm meeting my mom and carley at noon for lunch, so riding my bike is out of the question.

my thoughts are jumbled. i do apologize to my "readers" for my horrible writing skills. maybe once i'm back in school i'll take some writing classes and work on that. we'll see what happens.

i wish i could just NOT work and do my photography full time. if i wasn't such a pushover with pricing for portraits, i think i would actually do really well. all i really need is 4 solid photoshoots a week and i would actually have all my bills paid. that's crazy to me. i should get myself out there with commercial work. i think that may become my summer goal. work in the restaurant less and for myself more. wish me luck.

it's time for me to get away from this computer and get my day started. i wish my coffee would kick in.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

theater.

i love working/volunteering with the theater. not only does it open me to a completely different social network, but it has actually helped me with how i apply my photography.

"staging" has become my new focus with photography. not only is the focus of the picture the person/subject matter, but the "props" around it is what i like to pay closer attention to. with the work i've started doing for theirongategallery, i've started to really apply these new staging ideas and have had good outcome. granted it was only 3 quick photoshoots, but it still allowed me to think about the final outcome of the photo and direct people on what i needed and find the things i needed to fulfill my "vision".

i think i'm rambling. it's the shitty columbian coffee. it does give me a nice brain buzz though, so i won't complain.

tonight is house cleaning then photo editing/ordering for my "art show" coming up in the theater in a few weeks. i'm going to be the "featured artist in the lobby. i already have two prints framed, and i think i'm going to put at least 4 more up. we'll see what happens. it would be nice if someone bought the prints.

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here's a couple other shots from the stuff i did saturday. i really like the lighting and the girl is really pretty, but i didn't really use my "staging" to its full effect. i wish i had of put a little more thought into it and also added framed prints on the wall, maybe even used a different room. oh well.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

more photography

i've had a busy couple of weeks.

this is just a quick picture update because i'm really excited about these photos i took for the theirongategallery.com website.


Saturday, March 28, 2009

this photo has already gotten me at least 2 band promo photo shoots




i wasn't expecting to do any kind of real shoot yesterday when i went to ian and sarah's for band practice, but it was pretty fun and i'm pretty happy with the outcome of some of the photos.

wedding on a rainy day.

i'm shooting a wedding in a few hours. it's raining heavily outside and it's an outside wedding. oh joy. i want to try to find a clear umbrella. i could make some cool shots with it and it would cover me up while i'm trying to shoot. chances are, though that i'm just going to have to wing it and hope my camera doesn't freak out from getting a little wet (or that i will drop it in a puddle. both are very likely, knowing my clumsiness track record)

i'm considering shooting most of the wedding in aperture priority. i want control over the depth of field, but a lot of times when i shoot manually, i forget to double check my exposure and i get a lot of under/over exposed prints. with aperture priority, at least i'll have a more guaranteed exposure (in theory).

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the next week coming up is going to be somewhat busy. play rehearsal starts tomorrow afternoon. i'm excited to be yet another part of the tech crew for this. in between rehearsal and work, i think i have a photoshoot or two and i'm meeting with another potential bride about her wedding in september.

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this past week has been nice. i'll just leave it at that. .... now if the rain would just stop.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

last night i dreamed i met michelle obama and she was buying a $7500 sweater from JCPenny. why JCPenny? weird.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

there was a time in my photography life when i seldom used a flash. now i own 3, two which actually work, and always shoot with my strobes. i think it's time to get back to natural lighting and see what happens. (with the occasional strobe)

Monday, March 16, 2009

i think the movie once is my new favorite movie. not only is the soundtrack amazing, but the cinematography is amazing. marketa irglova has such an amazing voice.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Thursday, March 12, 2009

i updated my storefront for my online proofing site. i still need to add stuff to the slideshow portfolio, but at least now it's not outdated. i also need to get out and take more pictures.

the weather this week has been amazing. after getting home yesterday, i spent the rest of the afternoon either cleaning the yard or reading a book. i want to buy a hammock to place in the back yard for lazy days.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

parenting is tough. i make the mistake of trying to do EVERYTHING by myself and when i can't handle it all, i feel like i'm failed because i do have to ask for help. i think the biggest reason why i try to not ask for help is because i don't want to show any kind of weakness. i have a constant fear that carley's dad will try to take her away from me if he thinks that i'm not capable to taking care of her.

this past weekend was rough. i don't feel like going into the details, but calling friday night "dramatic" would be an understatement. it was a true test of how i (we) are going to handle carley during these next few trying years of teenage rebellion/hate/all the above. it was good to see, for once, her dad and i come together and work together for carley's sake.

things will get better. they already kind of are getting better. the phone is temporarily taken away from her. the computer is more than temporarily taken from her and she and i are spending more time together. it should have been that way in the first place, but we all get wrapped up in whatever is going on and lose focus. my focus is carley's happiness and how she and i can relate to each other and work together.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

photo manipulation is kind of fun.

this is a banner i made for luke and drew's band site. it's a little rough around the edges in some places but i was pretty happy with the outcome for my first attempt.

Friday, March 6, 2009

why is it that i feel like a failure when i have to ask for help.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Monday, February 23, 2009

i guess it's been a while since i've updated.

i participated in my first bridal expo yesterday. fortunately, the booth was free, so i didn't really have to invest much money into being a part of it. i did spend about $50 on promotional materials, but that's it. a lot of people took my card and pricing sheet, so hopefully i'll be getting some calls.

last week was really hectic. it was my first week working at the theater. i've never done anything with theater before, and was kind of thrown in. i like it that way. i learned a lot, and by opening night, i was handling things like a champ. a couple more shows and i may be moving up to assistant stage manager. woo! but, i'm really enjoying it. i wish carley would want to be involved as well, but she's too cool for school right now.

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parenting seems to be getting tougher by the minute. carley has hit the "i hate my mom and everything she does" stage, and it's putting a toll on me. i'm watching how i speak to her and try not to raise my voice when she pisses me off. it's a challenge. usually when she starts lashing out now, i talk calmly to her as ask why she's behaving that way and what her goal is by acting like that. we've also had some major computer issues and large trust issues, and she's banned from the computer, other than doing school work.

her grades are still top notch and i'm glad to see that she's not slacking in the education department.

i wish i knew what i could do to get the two of us back to having a civil mother/daughter relationship. she has so much angst now. it kills me on the inside and i really want to help or just make sense of things.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

can't we just skip the angsty-hate-my-mom teenage years and get to the point in life where my daughter and i get along?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

it was a good weekend.

holy crap the weather is amazing right now. wearing shorts makes me happy.

tomorrow will be another shorts day. i could get used to this.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

6 cups of coffee later.

i woke up early today. i have a lot that needs to get done before i go into work this afternoon.

going to bed early is a bad idea. i try to stay up late. i read, i do what i can, but by 11pm, i'm ready to call it a night. i feel like i'm sleeping too much and that my mind is over working itself and pulling out every thought and emotion and putting it into dream form. this morning is the third morning this week i've woken up depressed due to my dreams.

i feel like i should be learning from these dreams. these dreams are making me face my emotions and what's making me sad. i'm trying to repress my emotions rather than deal with them. there are more happy days than sad, but that's only because i choose to NOT think about what makes me sad. so am i really getting over this? not really. and how do i get over this? i think this is the most heartbroken i've ever been in my life. it hurts so much.

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things i feel like i've progressed with:
* being more active in friends' lives - i told myself i needed to work on my friendships with people in this town, and i have been doing that. i'm getting to a point where i would be sad leaving this town, and and i'm really starting to see my true relationships with the people in this town. it makes me feel pretty awesome.
* photography - i go through phases with this, but i really want to start pursuing this a little more. i'm good. i know i'm good at what i do, but i just don't do it enough. i broke down and bought two new lenses. ($600 later, i think it will pay off, really)
* my relationship with carley - okay, i'm still working on that, but i don't think we're going to "get along" until she turns 18 and can appreciate all i've done for her. my friend told me i was a kick ass mom. i want to believe that. i still feel like i fail because i try too hard.
* branching out/getting involved with the community - starting next week, i'll be working with the community theater being a stage hand or whatever they need. i like this opportunity. it gives me a chance to meet new people and gives me more to do with my life than just sit around at home in the evening. hopefully this won't affect the time i spend with carley, though. we'll see.
* taking better care of myself - i'm back to working out. NOT back to riding my bike daily, but i have been really sick with a head cold this past week and felt that i needed to get better before putting myself out in the cold and making myself sicker. but i am eating better, cooking nightly and doing my pilates again. i'm ready for spring time and shorts again.

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i really love damien rice. he's great mellow music.

Monday, February 2, 2009

i have to start taking better care of myself. i feel like my body is falling apart.

no more drinking. i'm over it. it's not good for me in many many ways.

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i think i'm going to get involved with the community theater here. i know the director and several other people that run the place and even though i can't/don't act, i think i could do *something* there. i need to branch out, meet more people. give others that are not like me a chance.

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i like getting mail from friends. but not sad mail.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

wooooo!

i booked my first wedding this year AND when i got home, i had an email from another bride-to-be that wants to talk to me about shooting her wedding.

i need to update my lens collection so i think i'm going to use the money made off the first wedding to buy two or three lenses and a couple of soft boxes for my flashes.

this weekend will be spent in columbia with my friend, katie. i haven't seen her since christmas. i'm looking forward to a fun girl weekend.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

things i need to work on:

- watching my tone with/how i speak to carley
- controlling my temper
- patience
- cleanliness
- laziness (stop being lazy)
- ride my bike more
- start doing pilates again

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depression sucks. i feel like i'm getting out of it now, but it comes and goes. some days are better than others. it's easy to ignore emotional problems when you are not faced with what's causing it. i'd much rather deal with it head on and get past this emotional crap rather than bottling up and breaking down every couple of weeks. it's not healthy and i really don't feel like i'm "moving forward".

i've been asked out on several dates this past week. it's overwhelming and i've turned everyone down. i don't want to frickin' date. leave me alone, please. right now i just want to take time out for myself, improve myself, figure out what the hell i'm doing with my life, focus on my and carley's relationship, and come out a better person from all this. so far i feel like i'm failing miserably.

my house is a wreck. it seems like the more i try to improve, the more i fuck up. last night i managed to break my new curtain rod and put a hole in my wall. (broke the rod due to impatience and not asking for help, the hole came from losing my temper and slamming my hand on the wall, and i guess the dry wall was pretty weak because now there's a hole there) the hole was an "easy fix". i just put one of kristine's prints over it, and now i have some of my wall decorated. i'll have to fix that eventually, though. why is it that everything i touch breaks! (post-script) i ended up yelling at carley because i was annoyed with myself, and, naturally, pissed her off. she had been getting under my skin all day, and i broke down and freaked out. we talked about it after i had a glass of wine and calmed down. we both have things we're going to work on, so hopefully we can get our shit together and be a good mom/daughter duo.

on tuesday, i was trying to transfer my music from my ipod to my computer, and my ipod crashed and i lost all my music that was on there. luckily i had over half the music saved on an external hard drive, but all the newer stuff i had is gone. the files actually transferred to my computer, but most of them are messed up and skip. i'm happy that the measure still works properly, though. i've really enjoyed listening to them. getting my music back will take time and will also give me a chance to explore more music myself. i've missed finding good music.

i think i've said this several times, but i need to start taking better care of myself. this past month has been a blur, and i feel like i've made no progress with myself. i can do better. i deserve better.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

in their own world

i had a photo shoot yesterday with a couple from georgia (luke and drew). the shoot was for their new album they're putting out soon(in our own world). my friend, ian, is doing the recording and stuff, so he set up the shoot with me. these two are also getting married, so i guess the shoot also served as engagement photos. they did say they may use one of the photos for their wedding invites or announcements.

i listened to their demo and found their music really sweet and falls close to the singer/songwriter/folksy kind of stuff i like, so i was pretty excited to meet them.

the photoshoot went really well. we started at the arts center and shot some in the reception hall. they had a grand piano there. the lighting was great, but i still used my strobes to ensure sharp photos. i wanted to shoot the other set at this broken telephone booth near my house, but realized when we go there that they had moved/taken it down, so we went to a place i had shot before, beside the railroad tracks. there's a nice dilapidated building that served as a great background. we lucked out and had a train waiting on the tracks, so i shot some with the train behind them and some as the train was moving.






Sunday, January 18, 2009

this past week felt extremely unproductive, but i was still somehow busy as crap.

tuesday was my usual scrubs night and william and liz came over. i tried out a new cake recipe. (vegan raspberry blackout cake) it turned out really delicious, but i haven't eaten any of it since that night. that same night, i dropped my computer and damaged my hard drive. (bummer) so my computer is in at the apple store getting repaired. i'm really bummed about it because i haven't backed up any of my files, and all the pictures that ken and i took together are now gone (other than the ones that i've posted online) and all the weddings and portraits i've shot are now gone. fortunately the weddings and portraits are posted online, so i at least have a way to get prints to the people. i should be able to order a cd from the site that prints my stuff. it's really obnoxious, though.

other than that, nothing exciting. kate's wedding was a lot of fun and really beautiful. the free wine was nice.

today has been unproductive. i haven't felt like cleaning or doing anything. i'm going to force myself to do laundry and wash dishes though. i'm sick of looking at the dirty dishes in the sink.

blah blah blah. nothing exciting.

Monday, January 12, 2009

i create a list of easy task because i love to check shit off.

i started making a to do list again today. i've been so slack lately. to do lists really help me out.

today was productive. i signed up carley for guitar lessons, got some things done around the house, spent time with carley, and now i'm sitting in my nice living room and enjoying a nice cup of hot tea.

i'm going to a friend/co worker's wedding this saturday. i'm really looking forward to going to a wedding as a spectator and not the photographer. it should be a lot of fun. i've been looking for a reason to dress up and feel girly. i don't do that often/ever, but it's definitely fun to dress up for a night.
i don't have much time to write because i need to finish getting ready for work and hop on my bike and get out of here... but i needed to get this off my brain.

what is up with all my baby dreams lately!!

i had another baby dream last night. it was weird. my belly wasn't big. i wasn't in a relationship with anyone, and i was just going to the gyno for a normal check up. when i got there, they told me i was 7 months pregnant. shortly after, i suddenly was calling into work because i had given birth to a little girl. everything about the birth confused me. how i was pregnant, who the dad was (of course in reality it could have only been one person), what i was going to do with my life, etc. i was super excited about the child once she was in my arms, but i kept screwing everything up. i couldn't get her to feed, i could never seem to hold her right, i was trying to go to work and leaving her in the car. by the time i was super stressed in my dream, i finally forced myself awake before i had an anxiety attack.

what does all this mean? is this dream some kind of sub conscience reflection of me needing to start a new life? maybe the girl i gave birth to was myself and i need to take better care of myself? i'm going to ponder on this today.

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this week i'm restarting my to do lists and also doing everything i did before i had a breakdown. things will get better. i'm getting there.

living room before and after.





i still have a lot to do in the living room. (curtains, hang photos on the walls, etc) but i haven't decided how i want to do all that yet. i'm really happy with the turn out though.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

i've been slack with my bike riding the past couple of weeks. it's due to a combination of shitty weather, lack of motivation, too much to do after work, etc. i'm going to get back on track though. i've missed riding my bike.

i wish there were more people in this town that was into riding bikes. it's fine to ride by myself to work, but sometimes i just want to take off and go and it would be nice to have someone with me.

Friday, January 9, 2009

i finished painting the living room. i don't think i could have picked a more perfect color for this room. once i'm done with all the finishing touches (hanging photos, etc) i'll post before/after pictures. even wit the same furniture set up, my living room still feels so different.

back to school?

i'm feeling torn on what to do with my life right now. i sometimes go back on forth on going back to school and finishing up my bachelors degree. a larger part of me wants to do that. i could use the change of pace, the new focus, the motivation, etc. i don't know how that would affect my work, my traveling for my job or my life at home with carley. i'm pretty sure i could get a full ride with financial aid, and maybe even get enough extra money so i don't have to work as much. i'm going to look into it. if i started, it wouldn't be until the fall, so i have time to weigh out my options.

this week has been a better week. i'm feeling a bit more emotionally stable. i'm at least not crying at the sight of anything that could trigger a memory. i've been working on my living room and trying to figure out how i'm going to paint it, decorate it, etc. (and trying to figure out where i'm going to get the money to do all that as well)

my friend madeleine and her husband patrick drove up last night to see me. they were visiting family in augusta and are heading back to virginia this weekend. it was good to hang out. i miss my friends that i was close to a few years ago. i'm always happy for friends when they do find their way out of this town, but sad because i'm still stuck here. maddie and patrick are moving to washington soon, and i'm definitely planning a trip out there once they get settled in.

i'm signing carley up for guitar lessons, probably starting next week or the following week. once again, something funded by me. i've decided to NOT ask for any other financial help from her dad. it just pisses me off when he turns me down. hopefully carley will see/understand how much i do for her and how much i sacrifice/work for her. i wouldn't work this much or have all this stuff if she wasn't in my life.

last night i dreamed i was pregnant. it was a weird dream. (i'm not preggers, though... quite the opposite). i don't know why i have these pregnancy dreams. they give me mixed emotions. i'm okay with not having anymore children, actually, that's preferable.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

i love it when carley's dad changes the weekend she's supposed to be staying with him and doesn't even communicate it with me. good thing i'm off work tomorrow night.

i even told him last week that it was his weekend and he still isn't going to keep her. i should just keep her the next two weeks and say fuck him. i'm sick of this shit.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

i'm not impressed with the coffee i bought from the shop yesterday. i only bought half a pound, so hopefully by the time i finish all that, i'll be planning a trip to athens to buy more of the coffee i like from the co-op.

i'm getting my hair cut and dyed today. i think it's all free/trade. i enjoy treating myself occasionally.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

if you fall.

i don't know who gave me all the azure ray albums i have, but i just want to say "thank you" to that person. i am almost positive it was martin. it sounds like something he would have listened to.

Monday, January 5, 2009

monday.

looks like i'm going to be painting my living room a nice mustard yellow. i'm tempted to get a sample of a really grassy green color. i think it would make the living room look really nice and cozy. i'm torn. if i use the mustard yellow, the living room is going to end up having almost the same color scheme as my bedroom. i like my bedroom, but i would like something a little different.

i've considered the green before and actually bought the paint but ended up giving it to ken when i decided i wasn't going to use it.

a part of me is afraid to do too much painting in my current state of mind. i guess the good thing is that i can always paint over the walls if i don't like it or am cheerier and want happier colors.

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i'm hosting my first "scrubs night" tomorrow in celebration of the 8th season of scrubs. i don't think there's going to be a big turnout and i'm okay with that. i know my friends william and liz are coming over, and they're all i really want to be here anyway. i'm going to cook them a nice vegetarian meal (veggie quesadillas). hopefully this will for sure turn into a weekly thing. i like the idea of being a dinner party hostess.

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sometimes i feel like i'm really screwing up as a mom. maybe carley is just to the age now where she doesn't want to be around me or talk to me. i seem to annoy her more than anything. she's shutting me out. it kind of scares me. i feel lonely as it is. i don't want to feel as though my daughter doesn't need or want to be around me. it's a tough pill to swallow right now. i want to be wanted.

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Sunday, January 4, 2009

today's horoscope

Don't waste your time and energy licking your psychological wounds if you feel rejected now. Instead, focus on the journey ahead. There's no place in your life for negative thinking; visualize positive results.

i'm on the verge of tears every five minutes. it sucks that the smallest hint of anything can put me in such a depressed state of mind.

it sucks that i can't talk about my problems to the person want to.

sorry all my stupid blogs are so sad these days.

i should take the advice of my horoscope.