Thursday, January 29, 2009

wooooo!

i booked my first wedding this year AND when i got home, i had an email from another bride-to-be that wants to talk to me about shooting her wedding.

i need to update my lens collection so i think i'm going to use the money made off the first wedding to buy two or three lenses and a couple of soft boxes for my flashes.

this weekend will be spent in columbia with my friend, katie. i haven't seen her since christmas. i'm looking forward to a fun girl weekend.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

things i need to work on:

- watching my tone with/how i speak to carley
- controlling my temper
- patience
- cleanliness
- laziness (stop being lazy)
- ride my bike more
- start doing pilates again

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depression sucks. i feel like i'm getting out of it now, but it comes and goes. some days are better than others. it's easy to ignore emotional problems when you are not faced with what's causing it. i'd much rather deal with it head on and get past this emotional crap rather than bottling up and breaking down every couple of weeks. it's not healthy and i really don't feel like i'm "moving forward".

i've been asked out on several dates this past week. it's overwhelming and i've turned everyone down. i don't want to frickin' date. leave me alone, please. right now i just want to take time out for myself, improve myself, figure out what the hell i'm doing with my life, focus on my and carley's relationship, and come out a better person from all this. so far i feel like i'm failing miserably.

my house is a wreck. it seems like the more i try to improve, the more i fuck up. last night i managed to break my new curtain rod and put a hole in my wall. (broke the rod due to impatience and not asking for help, the hole came from losing my temper and slamming my hand on the wall, and i guess the dry wall was pretty weak because now there's a hole there) the hole was an "easy fix". i just put one of kristine's prints over it, and now i have some of my wall decorated. i'll have to fix that eventually, though. why is it that everything i touch breaks! (post-script) i ended up yelling at carley because i was annoyed with myself, and, naturally, pissed her off. she had been getting under my skin all day, and i broke down and freaked out. we talked about it after i had a glass of wine and calmed down. we both have things we're going to work on, so hopefully we can get our shit together and be a good mom/daughter duo.

on tuesday, i was trying to transfer my music from my ipod to my computer, and my ipod crashed and i lost all my music that was on there. luckily i had over half the music saved on an external hard drive, but all the newer stuff i had is gone. the files actually transferred to my computer, but most of them are messed up and skip. i'm happy that the measure still works properly, though. i've really enjoyed listening to them. getting my music back will take time and will also give me a chance to explore more music myself. i've missed finding good music.

i think i've said this several times, but i need to start taking better care of myself. this past month has been a blur, and i feel like i've made no progress with myself. i can do better. i deserve better.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

in their own world

i had a photo shoot yesterday with a couple from georgia (luke and drew). the shoot was for their new album they're putting out soon(in our own world). my friend, ian, is doing the recording and stuff, so he set up the shoot with me. these two are also getting married, so i guess the shoot also served as engagement photos. they did say they may use one of the photos for their wedding invites or announcements.

i listened to their demo and found their music really sweet and falls close to the singer/songwriter/folksy kind of stuff i like, so i was pretty excited to meet them.

the photoshoot went really well. we started at the arts center and shot some in the reception hall. they had a grand piano there. the lighting was great, but i still used my strobes to ensure sharp photos. i wanted to shoot the other set at this broken telephone booth near my house, but realized when we go there that they had moved/taken it down, so we went to a place i had shot before, beside the railroad tracks. there's a nice dilapidated building that served as a great background. we lucked out and had a train waiting on the tracks, so i shot some with the train behind them and some as the train was moving.






Sunday, January 18, 2009

this past week felt extremely unproductive, but i was still somehow busy as crap.

tuesday was my usual scrubs night and william and liz came over. i tried out a new cake recipe. (vegan raspberry blackout cake) it turned out really delicious, but i haven't eaten any of it since that night. that same night, i dropped my computer and damaged my hard drive. (bummer) so my computer is in at the apple store getting repaired. i'm really bummed about it because i haven't backed up any of my files, and all the pictures that ken and i took together are now gone (other than the ones that i've posted online) and all the weddings and portraits i've shot are now gone. fortunately the weddings and portraits are posted online, so i at least have a way to get prints to the people. i should be able to order a cd from the site that prints my stuff. it's really obnoxious, though.

other than that, nothing exciting. kate's wedding was a lot of fun and really beautiful. the free wine was nice.

today has been unproductive. i haven't felt like cleaning or doing anything. i'm going to force myself to do laundry and wash dishes though. i'm sick of looking at the dirty dishes in the sink.

blah blah blah. nothing exciting.

Monday, January 12, 2009

i create a list of easy task because i love to check shit off.

i started making a to do list again today. i've been so slack lately. to do lists really help me out.

today was productive. i signed up carley for guitar lessons, got some things done around the house, spent time with carley, and now i'm sitting in my nice living room and enjoying a nice cup of hot tea.

i'm going to a friend/co worker's wedding this saturday. i'm really looking forward to going to a wedding as a spectator and not the photographer. it should be a lot of fun. i've been looking for a reason to dress up and feel girly. i don't do that often/ever, but it's definitely fun to dress up for a night.
i don't have much time to write because i need to finish getting ready for work and hop on my bike and get out of here... but i needed to get this off my brain.

what is up with all my baby dreams lately!!

i had another baby dream last night. it was weird. my belly wasn't big. i wasn't in a relationship with anyone, and i was just going to the gyno for a normal check up. when i got there, they told me i was 7 months pregnant. shortly after, i suddenly was calling into work because i had given birth to a little girl. everything about the birth confused me. how i was pregnant, who the dad was (of course in reality it could have only been one person), what i was going to do with my life, etc. i was super excited about the child once she was in my arms, but i kept screwing everything up. i couldn't get her to feed, i could never seem to hold her right, i was trying to go to work and leaving her in the car. by the time i was super stressed in my dream, i finally forced myself awake before i had an anxiety attack.

what does all this mean? is this dream some kind of sub conscience reflection of me needing to start a new life? maybe the girl i gave birth to was myself and i need to take better care of myself? i'm going to ponder on this today.

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this week i'm restarting my to do lists and also doing everything i did before i had a breakdown. things will get better. i'm getting there.

living room before and after.





i still have a lot to do in the living room. (curtains, hang photos on the walls, etc) but i haven't decided how i want to do all that yet. i'm really happy with the turn out though.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

i've been slack with my bike riding the past couple of weeks. it's due to a combination of shitty weather, lack of motivation, too much to do after work, etc. i'm going to get back on track though. i've missed riding my bike.

i wish there were more people in this town that was into riding bikes. it's fine to ride by myself to work, but sometimes i just want to take off and go and it would be nice to have someone with me.

Friday, January 9, 2009

i finished painting the living room. i don't think i could have picked a more perfect color for this room. once i'm done with all the finishing touches (hanging photos, etc) i'll post before/after pictures. even wit the same furniture set up, my living room still feels so different.

back to school?

i'm feeling torn on what to do with my life right now. i sometimes go back on forth on going back to school and finishing up my bachelors degree. a larger part of me wants to do that. i could use the change of pace, the new focus, the motivation, etc. i don't know how that would affect my work, my traveling for my job or my life at home with carley. i'm pretty sure i could get a full ride with financial aid, and maybe even get enough extra money so i don't have to work as much. i'm going to look into it. if i started, it wouldn't be until the fall, so i have time to weigh out my options.

this week has been a better week. i'm feeling a bit more emotionally stable. i'm at least not crying at the sight of anything that could trigger a memory. i've been working on my living room and trying to figure out how i'm going to paint it, decorate it, etc. (and trying to figure out where i'm going to get the money to do all that as well)

my friend madeleine and her husband patrick drove up last night to see me. they were visiting family in augusta and are heading back to virginia this weekend. it was good to hang out. i miss my friends that i was close to a few years ago. i'm always happy for friends when they do find their way out of this town, but sad because i'm still stuck here. maddie and patrick are moving to washington soon, and i'm definitely planning a trip out there once they get settled in.

i'm signing carley up for guitar lessons, probably starting next week or the following week. once again, something funded by me. i've decided to NOT ask for any other financial help from her dad. it just pisses me off when he turns me down. hopefully carley will see/understand how much i do for her and how much i sacrifice/work for her. i wouldn't work this much or have all this stuff if she wasn't in my life.

last night i dreamed i was pregnant. it was a weird dream. (i'm not preggers, though... quite the opposite). i don't know why i have these pregnancy dreams. they give me mixed emotions. i'm okay with not having anymore children, actually, that's preferable.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

i love it when carley's dad changes the weekend she's supposed to be staying with him and doesn't even communicate it with me. good thing i'm off work tomorrow night.

i even told him last week that it was his weekend and he still isn't going to keep her. i should just keep her the next two weeks and say fuck him. i'm sick of this shit.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

i'm not impressed with the coffee i bought from the shop yesterday. i only bought half a pound, so hopefully by the time i finish all that, i'll be planning a trip to athens to buy more of the coffee i like from the co-op.

i'm getting my hair cut and dyed today. i think it's all free/trade. i enjoy treating myself occasionally.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

if you fall.

i don't know who gave me all the azure ray albums i have, but i just want to say "thank you" to that person. i am almost positive it was martin. it sounds like something he would have listened to.

Monday, January 5, 2009

monday.

looks like i'm going to be painting my living room a nice mustard yellow. i'm tempted to get a sample of a really grassy green color. i think it would make the living room look really nice and cozy. i'm torn. if i use the mustard yellow, the living room is going to end up having almost the same color scheme as my bedroom. i like my bedroom, but i would like something a little different.

i've considered the green before and actually bought the paint but ended up giving it to ken when i decided i wasn't going to use it.

a part of me is afraid to do too much painting in my current state of mind. i guess the good thing is that i can always paint over the walls if i don't like it or am cheerier and want happier colors.

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i'm hosting my first "scrubs night" tomorrow in celebration of the 8th season of scrubs. i don't think there's going to be a big turnout and i'm okay with that. i know my friends william and liz are coming over, and they're all i really want to be here anyway. i'm going to cook them a nice vegetarian meal (veggie quesadillas). hopefully this will for sure turn into a weekly thing. i like the idea of being a dinner party hostess.

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sometimes i feel like i'm really screwing up as a mom. maybe carley is just to the age now where she doesn't want to be around me or talk to me. i seem to annoy her more than anything. she's shutting me out. it kind of scares me. i feel lonely as it is. i don't want to feel as though my daughter doesn't need or want to be around me. it's a tough pill to swallow right now. i want to be wanted.

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Sunday, January 4, 2009

today's horoscope

Don't waste your time and energy licking your psychological wounds if you feel rejected now. Instead, focus on the journey ahead. There's no place in your life for negative thinking; visualize positive results.

i'm on the verge of tears every five minutes. it sucks that the smallest hint of anything can put me in such a depressed state of mind.

it sucks that i can't talk about my problems to the person want to.

sorry all my stupid blogs are so sad these days.

i should take the advice of my horoscope.