Monday, February 23, 2009

i guess it's been a while since i've updated.

i participated in my first bridal expo yesterday. fortunately, the booth was free, so i didn't really have to invest much money into being a part of it. i did spend about $50 on promotional materials, but that's it. a lot of people took my card and pricing sheet, so hopefully i'll be getting some calls.

last week was really hectic. it was my first week working at the theater. i've never done anything with theater before, and was kind of thrown in. i like it that way. i learned a lot, and by opening night, i was handling things like a champ. a couple more shows and i may be moving up to assistant stage manager. woo! but, i'm really enjoying it. i wish carley would want to be involved as well, but she's too cool for school right now.

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parenting seems to be getting tougher by the minute. carley has hit the "i hate my mom and everything she does" stage, and it's putting a toll on me. i'm watching how i speak to her and try not to raise my voice when she pisses me off. it's a challenge. usually when she starts lashing out now, i talk calmly to her as ask why she's behaving that way and what her goal is by acting like that. we've also had some major computer issues and large trust issues, and she's banned from the computer, other than doing school work.

her grades are still top notch and i'm glad to see that she's not slacking in the education department.

i wish i knew what i could do to get the two of us back to having a civil mother/daughter relationship. she has so much angst now. it kills me on the inside and i really want to help or just make sense of things.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

can't we just skip the angsty-hate-my-mom teenage years and get to the point in life where my daughter and i get along?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

it was a good weekend.

holy crap the weather is amazing right now. wearing shorts makes me happy.

tomorrow will be another shorts day. i could get used to this.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

6 cups of coffee later.

i woke up early today. i have a lot that needs to get done before i go into work this afternoon.

going to bed early is a bad idea. i try to stay up late. i read, i do what i can, but by 11pm, i'm ready to call it a night. i feel like i'm sleeping too much and that my mind is over working itself and pulling out every thought and emotion and putting it into dream form. this morning is the third morning this week i've woken up depressed due to my dreams.

i feel like i should be learning from these dreams. these dreams are making me face my emotions and what's making me sad. i'm trying to repress my emotions rather than deal with them. there are more happy days than sad, but that's only because i choose to NOT think about what makes me sad. so am i really getting over this? not really. and how do i get over this? i think this is the most heartbroken i've ever been in my life. it hurts so much.

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things i feel like i've progressed with:
* being more active in friends' lives - i told myself i needed to work on my friendships with people in this town, and i have been doing that. i'm getting to a point where i would be sad leaving this town, and and i'm really starting to see my true relationships with the people in this town. it makes me feel pretty awesome.
* photography - i go through phases with this, but i really want to start pursuing this a little more. i'm good. i know i'm good at what i do, but i just don't do it enough. i broke down and bought two new lenses. ($600 later, i think it will pay off, really)
* my relationship with carley - okay, i'm still working on that, but i don't think we're going to "get along" until she turns 18 and can appreciate all i've done for her. my friend told me i was a kick ass mom. i want to believe that. i still feel like i fail because i try too hard.
* branching out/getting involved with the community - starting next week, i'll be working with the community theater being a stage hand or whatever they need. i like this opportunity. it gives me a chance to meet new people and gives me more to do with my life than just sit around at home in the evening. hopefully this won't affect the time i spend with carley, though. we'll see.
* taking better care of myself - i'm back to working out. NOT back to riding my bike daily, but i have been really sick with a head cold this past week and felt that i needed to get better before putting myself out in the cold and making myself sicker. but i am eating better, cooking nightly and doing my pilates again. i'm ready for spring time and shorts again.

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i really love damien rice. he's great mellow music.

Monday, February 2, 2009

i have to start taking better care of myself. i feel like my body is falling apart.

no more drinking. i'm over it. it's not good for me in many many ways.

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i think i'm going to get involved with the community theater here. i know the director and several other people that run the place and even though i can't/don't act, i think i could do *something* there. i need to branch out, meet more people. give others that are not like me a chance.

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i like getting mail from friends. but not sad mail.