Monday, May 6, 2013

tears dry on their own

i've had a lot of compartmentalized emotion hanging out in my head from events that went down a couple of months ago... or really the series of events that lead to ryan moving back to atlanta. i didn't understand why i didn't cry much over it. i was crushed the first time we broke up. destroyed, even. yet this time, with so much going on at once -- change in job, flying to california for training, adjusting to a new life style  etc, i didn't have time to grieve the break up and the moving out. i had already become so self absorbed with my life and what i needed to do to prepare myself for the future that i didn't have time to be sad.

now that i've settled into the job, found a daily/weekly routine, i feel myself letting go of those pent up feelings and i don't know how to deal with them. naturally i let my emotions speak through my art. i think i tried to force myself to feel something about a month ago with an old image of me and ryan. it was from back in our skyping days. i would document our "conversations." i remember feeling so close to him, yet we were so far away. we were connected by pixels and audio/visual, wires and megabytes, fiber optic transmissions. our reality was a virtual reality but my feelings for him were real and i loved him dearly.

this particular image always stood out to me. the eyeball was kind of grotesque, i'm separated in the corner, experiencing, seeing, and not reacting. the aftermath of the image now, much of the same is happening, yet, the eye conveys the emotion and i'm just there. not reacting. not feeling. maybe the eye is now my eye and i'm looking at myself and figuring shit out.

"Mixed Signals" - inkjet print, watercolor, pen

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